"The Cheddahville Traffic Report"

When we first moved up here in 2003 there were a few things that seemed rather weird. One of the main things was that there was not any traffic in town. None at all. You can ride for miles and not encounter another car in either direction. Some of the roads are even made of dirt and are traveled on as much as main roads in town. Most of the roads are covered in pot holes, especially in the Spring after the big thaw. So travel for the most part-no matter what time of year is brutal and hard on the alignment.

One day, a few weeks after our big move to the Maine woods I was in the car with my daughter Alex. She was in the eighth grade at the time and hated me for bringing her to a place where the closest mall was two hours away from our new home. I was trying to cheer her up and asked her, "Hey Alex, what is missing from up here?" She responded with eyes downcast in her completely eighth grade somber tone, "I dunno- a mall... decent shopping..." And I smiled and asked again, "Besides that. What is missing?" She smiled and laughed.... "traffic....".

Then I smiled and yahooed, "yep, that would be what I am thinking about.....no traffic." Before moving up here almost each time we left the house and especially before work I was glued to the morning news and listened intently for the "Eye in the Sky" traffic report that would predict the latest bottlenecks and jams in the Boston area. " I have an idea...." And that was when I created the "Cheddaville Traffic Report". I told her the child version and thought I'd add a little more now that I have been here a few years.

"Ayuh, Eye in the Sky-reporter Earl live at ya from the top of ol' Grady's bahn reportin' the latest in Cheddaville traffic. Today, mostly snow, visability at nothin' but ten feet. Ayuh! Ova at the Cheddaville Mall, two cah pile up waitin for local moose to cross to the ol' mill site-that just don torn dawn abut tweny fie year en past. Up at fahma Ted' by the cornah of Don's junkyahd is a five cah pile up for the two fo' one gun sale ready fo' huntin. Yep, get yer guns now before they are written in the bible-Uncle Henry's. Up ova theah on Ned Bailey's is an ol' broke trailah jus'sittin down in the rud waitin' fo' repair ifn eva Ned gits his arse out theah and outta the beeh. Two skiddah's are jammed ova at Stew Rooney's bahn blockin fouh mules that dun broke outta the pen waitin ta be let in. Maple syrup's a runnin and the jugs are being filled waitin on anothah bottleneck of Mass---- jus' waitin fo' theah share! Ayuh! Meltin' snow and mud are what it is all bout' here in Cheddaville this time a yeah. A cah of the rud near where the Jestly mill used ta be is waitin for a tow. Up ahead a copta in the sky tippin's its ol' wings. Nope, not a criminal escape-just lookin' out for the local hahvest of that skunk smellin' stuff! Anyhow, aint nothin else much going on here but that. Ayuh, cept' Im'm outta beef jerky...gotta jet on down ta the mall-the Cheddahville Mall that is!"